Teen Autonomy

Dealing with Troubled Teens with their inner desire for Autonomy — you must become knowledgeable of their independence, their personal self-rule, understand their desire to be confident and connected.

Struggling teens (and even those not struggling) tend to project their own personal pretense for various reasons. You may see them behaving with studied indifference to virtually everything. They may prefer not to be seen with the family. They may be withdrawn, petulant, difficult, and downright unpleasant to be around. Because they often look more like adults than children, parents may tend to view them as young adults who are just acting out or being brats. While this can be the case sometimes, there could be much more than that going on.

When a teenager is having difficulty in school, when they are fearful or anxious, or even when they are very difficult, you may be seeing a teen that is really struggling for confidence and feeling accepted.

Teenage years are a time of profound change in the life of a young person. Take a look at photos of you with your children just a couple of years ago as compared to today. You look pretty much the same. They do not. It's no wonder that teenagers struggle during this part of their lives. Their bodies, faces and voices seem to be changing almost daily. Some parents claim they see differences if they are out of town for a couple of weeks on business. Do you remember how challenging it must have been to keep up with all those differences when you were young?

The coping skills of a teenager are certainly not fully developed. They don't have a realistic view when they can say, "Tomorrow's another day." They are convinced that today is all there is. This state of mind also leads them to take chances most adults wouldn't take. They simply can't see far enough ahead to factor in possible consequences of their actions. They tend to stumble over many reasonable obstacles because they just don't have the skills to avoid them.

Teenagers are masters of disguise. They are so far removed from feeling connected. You see a tall, strong, handsome young man, but the person living inside their body is nervous, scared, not at all sure what he's doing. He is an absolute genius at hiding this anxiety from you, from his peers, maybe even from himself.

Teach your children very early to make decisions for themselves and the results of those choices. Teach them to weigh consequences. Teach them to discuss issues with you. And teach them to take responsibility for their own decisions.

Be a parent, not a peer group friend, there is a big difference between who desires the best for their teen. A parent will never be as deceitful as the best roommate your teen has had or will have.